February 28, 2013

Waiting is the Worst

So I went in for beta (blood test to determine if I’m pregnant) this morning. And now we wait. I’m supposed to get the results back sometime this afternoon.

I hesitated writing this post but I just need to get this all off my chest. So excuse me if this is all over the place.

The last few days have been hard. I haven’t really had any pregnancy symptoms (but I didn’t really have any with the girls either). While I’m thankful that I’m not suffering right now, it would be nice to have something…you know…to give me a glimmer of hope.

I thought I’d be ok if this time doesn’t work. Yet, I don’t even know the results yet and I’m an emotional wreck…way more so than I was last time (the first time). Apparently, I want more children. I always pictured myself with two kids. Now that I have two, I want more. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would feel this way.

It makes me very sad to think about getting that phone call and being told I’m not pregnant. It’s not just a disappointment like all those negative pregnancy tests I got before we got help. This time it would feel like a loss.

I know that I have two beautiful little girls and am very, very blessed to have them. As I type this, they are supposed to be napping but instead are squealing and giggling and it makes me happy. Very happy. Yet I can’t shake this feeling that I want more babies…at least one more. Other mommas I know tell me they knew when they were done. I don’t feel like I’m done. I don’t want to be done.

So if you will, pray for me as I sit here waiting. Waiting for the phone call that will either prompt celebration or grieving.

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